“who I am and why I’m here”

So, I’m participating in the blogging 101 via WordPress and of course, I’m dragging all my readers along also.

     I’m blogging versus keeping a personal online journal because I want to shout in the wind. You know how sometimes when you are really, really upset and want to scream at the universe? well, blogging is my ‘screaming at the universe” (lol) I don’t think I’m screaming as much as I’m giving a different perspective on things. I don’t think too many perspectives are a bad thing, but I am definitely sure that we all sometimes need that “cool, someone else thinks the same way I do!”. Its so important for everyone to not feel so alone in the universe.

The topics I write about are sex, love and relationships and everything in between for my nieces and nephews. My perspective as a Gen X means I can relate to both parents and kids. As I don’t have kids, (which I’m cool with) I bring the ‘Auntie’ perspective. I am quite happy being an aunt (and great aunt) but I’m also not afraid to tell them they are screwing up royally or telling them how proud I am of them. I think its important for kids today (everyone under 40 for me lol) to understand that every single day is a new slate. You don’t have to repeat the mistakes and missteps of your parents (or even me); you don’t have to stay stuck in bad situations, relationship, friendships, jobs, or even locations. You can live your life, fully, and with purpose, without kicking someone in the teeth. really.

I would love to connect with those teenager, young adults (college age) and those over 21 who are like, I am f***ing up my life and I need help! or those men and women, young girls and boys who are like, what I don’t really have any role models for what a healthy, positive, loving and relationships look like (cause IG and Facebook aint it) I also want to connect with those who think that sex rules everything around them. It doesn’t, and if you really think it does, let me be clear, Looks fade, bodies turn flabby (even with age) and there will ALWAYS be someone younger and prettier than you waiting to take your place. believe that.

In the next year I hope to accomplish

     a) posting weekly (if not 2 or more times)

     b) guest writing on other blogs

    c) appearing on podcast

    d) and finishing up my eBook & companion seminar

So, sit back and enjoy the ride!

Happy Valentine’s Day… just don’t blow it.

Dear Nephews,
It’s Valentine’s Day! The only day of the year (outside of Christmas) where everyone is trying to show their affection by buying love with chocolate and high-priced flowers and dinners. Okay, some of us.

Now to be a spoiled sport about the whole holiday (which I do enjoy for the most part) but like with most things, some people just do too damn much.

For those of you in a “just causally dating someone”, in a serious ‘relationship’, partnered up or married, this day can set the tone for the rest of this year, along with Christmas and your partner’s birthday so you really can’t afford to fuck this up.

However, someone will neglect to do or ‘say’ the right thing and things will get all stupid for a while. I can’t help you with saying or doing stupid things (for the most part) but I can give you some guidance for an overall picture of what you should have been doing before you get to this point.

For those who are in ‘dating’ mode

1. If you are ‘dating’ more than 1 person, (and of course they don’t know it) until you are ballin like that, you are not doing yourself any favors by treating them all the same. If they were all the same, you would just be dating ONE of them, SERIOUSLY. Each of them is giving you something specific, so you might do well to hone in on that. Have a monetary amount you will spend on each one and don’t go over it. If you have one you like more than the rest, she’ll get a higher amount, but not your damn paycheck. Don’t be stupid. I’m not going to let you borrow rent money or car note money because you trying to impress someone you ‘like’.

2. If you are ‘dating’ more than 1 person, you want to schedule out Valentine’s Day. If the day falls on a weekend, (like today) don’t give up your WHOLE weekend for some ‘romantic trip’ to impress the one you like the MOST. (Again, you have a budget) and don’t let her offer to take you away either. You will only cause problems in the long run when she figures out or realizes that she/he was 1 of 5 ‘friends’ you have. Give every person you are dating ‘except’ #1 a time limit of no more than 1 to 1 ½ hours of your time on Valentine’s Day. Give the one you like the most 2 -3 hours. Don’t create standards you won’t be able to keep up. There’s no reason for anyone to be up in anyone’s face all damn day, in love or not. Love doesn’t pay the bills. If you are seeing anyone who wants to know your whereabouts of every second of every day, DUMP THEM. They have issues and I don’t remember anyone one of you signing up for the fire department or rescue a chick service.

3. If you are dating someone exclusively, then an overnight trip is fine BUT remember it’s not about how much money you spend but the quality of time you spend with them. Don’t plan a trip to Paris when you can’t pay your bills. Don’t play a cruise when you’re looking at your car being repossessed. There are TONS of things you can do that are meaningful and special without spending up the national debt. If the person you are with complains about how much you are NOT spending, you might want to reconsider the character of the person you are dating.

Understand that you are under NO obligation to spend ONE red penny on Valentine’s Day for ANYONE. If you chose to celebrate, that’s wonderful. If not, don’t. It’s absolutely totally your choice, but whatever you do, DO NOT be so tacky as to send a text of flowers and candy to a woman. Whether you are “Just” friends or not. It’s RUDE as hell. What the hell is she going to do with that? Don’t even pretend with the

“It’s the thought that counts” Auntie???!!!

Well, here’s that thought” translated:

“I don’t think you are worth having red roses or candy sent to your house or job because YOU are not important enough for me to spend the $35 for a bunch of red roses and a $12.00 box of chocolates. But I will send you a TEXT PICTURE of these things in the hopes that you don’t think I’m that cheap and that I at least thought about you while I bought someone ELSE flowers, candy, a card and took HER out to dinner. But hey, when YOU get drunk, horny or lonely, I’m hoping I’m the first person you text.”

2 that right there is unfucking acceptable

So again, try NOT to be a douche this day. I will have to talk about you later. At the next family gathering, in front of everyone AND the girl you DIDN’T send the text picture of flowers to. Let’s see how that works out for you. Cause you know I will.

So, you put a ring on it and she’s not fucking you like a porn star anymore…

Over the years, in my conversation with married and divorced men, a variation of the same conversation has worked it way out. Before the ring, wifey made Vanessa Del Rio look like an terrified 18 yr old virgin on her wedding night. Janet’s “Anytime, Any place” wasn’t just a theme, it was a daily occurrence. I’m talking sex in public was a no-brainer. Sex at family reunion picnic? Do you have to ask? at 5am? Really honey, did you have to ask? walk in the door and i’m bent over the couch type of situations.Once talk of ‘marriage’ comes up, either the sex goes into over drive or it turns to ‘let’s wait until our wedding night’. The man goes along with it,(of course) because he thinks the sky’s the limit ON that first night as man and wife. Then a strange thing happens. That night, your wedding night:she’s ‘too tired’ from the days activities.

She’s not interested in doing ‘that’ tonight.

Now that she’s your ‘wife’, she doesn’t have to put her mouth on ‘that thing’ anymore.

Yes, she said the only dick she would suck would be her ‘husband’s’ but now that you guys are married, she still ‘wont’ suck it because… well, she doesn’t want to and you can’t make her.

BTW, she really doesn’t like you going down on her. She’s just not that into it.

Come to think of it, she wasn’t that good in bed to begin with, you think to yourself. She’s a “good woman” whatever that means, looks good on your arm, you would make cute babies with her, has drive and ambition, but sexually, she’s not hitting YOUR spot. You guys are out of sync sexually but you attribute it to her school schedule, her views on sex, anything, everything.

But what about her porn star behavior before you got married? Well, I don’t know what your talking about, she says.

HUH???!!!

Did you forget you used to pick me up from work with no bra and panties on? You don’t remember us going to the movies, sitting in the back row and you sitting on my lap f–king me for the entire movie?

That was then, we married now.

In the islands, on your honeymoon, Your Wifey is ‘tired’ and just wants to lay on the beach, in the cabana, in the room. Snorkeling with her husband, She passes. Wave riding. My hair will get wet. Sex? My hair will sweat out. Dinner. She’s dressed like a fashion model. walking around talking, socializing. Curling and fawning you in public. You think, wow, okay, she’s ready to give me some. When you get back to the hotel, she goes in the bathroom for hours, comes out in granny panties and an old woman gown and gets in bed with curlers in her hair.

HUH???

Oh, I’m really not in the mood.

There you are, naked with a dick harder than Rush Limbaugh’s convictions, and your only choice is playtime in the shower. alone.

I’ve heard this record, fast, slow, up tempo, soft tempo, hard rock version, soft rock version, heavy metal version, operatic version, R & B version, Hip-Hop version. It wouldn’t be true if i didn’t hear it from all types of men, black, white, rich, poor, old, young, married once, married more than once. Some had kids before marriage, some had no kids, (but she did or he did, not by the other person)

When i first realized this was the same story, except a different guy’s version of it, i thought to myself, did they all get the same email? Is every man this damn stupid?

I sit back and nod, ask for clarification here and there and just listen. and try not to say, “really, you didn’t see THAT coming”. But for me, what is a testament to his feelings for her is how long he stayed. Several men were on their way out the married until she pulled the infamous “can we talk” conversation with nothing but a short robe on and nothing underneath. 9 months later….

what man with any morals would leave his child then? who wants to be called ‘triflin’? who wants HIS mother to tell him to ‘work it out for the sake of your child”. Marriage is hard, son, he hears his father say between drinks at the family home. which is exactly why the lawyer’s phone calls don’t get returned.

Before the time the child’s in kindergarten,they have been sleeping in separate areas of the house, her kid(s)from prior relationship are calling YOU DAD/DADDY/POP and you emotionally think sleeping in the basement is the best solution.

Here is what i want to say to Men in these types of situations:

1. Get your gonads out of her purse and place them where she snatched them from

2. Realize that she had an agenda, it was a ring. A wedding ring. She wanted one and played you to get her ‘legitimacy’ in her societal circle.

3. YOU thought with the wrong head and it cost you YEARS of your life to extract yourself from a very, very screwed up situation.

4. Someone who claims to love you won’t trick you, play you, get pregnant ‘accidentally on purpose’.

5. Someone who loves you won’t give you a marry me or else ultimatum

6. Someone who loves you won’t enlist your family, your friends, her family, her friends to ‘drop hints’ that she’s the best thing to every happen to you and if you don’t marry her, you are a fool.

7. Dumbass, no real woman will use her kids by you or anyone else to beg you to ‘marry my mommie’

8. No real woman will tell you that ‘after’ you guys get married, she’ll enroll in school, go back to school, get on birth control, lose weight, look for a better job, get a job or any other similar asinine promise. if she won’t do it FOR HERSELF, BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED, the odds of her doing it AFTER you are married are slim to none and slim left the building.

9. True story: if you tell your bride to be that your wedding present will be to bring her into the marriage with ZERO debt (because you have ZERO DEBT). You ask her for all her bills AND PAY THEM OFF before the wedding and 3 months later, a creditor called about collecting for a lawsuit (car accident) she had BEFORE you got married for $12,000, that her and her family “forgot” to tell you about and you DO NOT GET AN ANNULMENT, you are a freaking moron.

10. If she goes from Porn Star Patty to Nancy Nun within 3 months of your wedding or begins to ration out sex like the government furlough, you might want to consider you married the wrong woman.

Maybe these guys were lying to me. Maybe they were exaggerating (alot) but to hear a variation of the same story is just nerve wracking.

My friends laugh because they say i ask to many questions. Hell, i wanna know. did you beat/hit your last 5 girlfriends? why did you get married? why did you get divorced? do you sleep with men? (you will be surprised how many men will admit to that when they feel comfortable with you)

By the age of 25, most people have had their hearts broken (badly) but for me, its what you do afterwards, to work through the heartache and pain and learn from it is what matters.

I’ve been played in relationship (more often that i care to admit) but:

1. I’ve never been married

2. there are no kids involved on MY end

while i joke about my commitment-phobia issues (i’m working on them!!!)

Marrying someone is one of the few things I take totally serious. I have had about 22 marriage proposal. I only said yes formally once, the other time was an ‘off-handed’ proposal just to see if what i would say in advance. To marry someone is to commit your everything to that person, in front of everyone, forever. Forever is a LONG, LONG, LONG, LONG, LONG TIME. and i can’t have sex with someone else either? damn.

There have been instances where my brothers and other close male friends were ‘played’ by the women they were dating (including what i called being ‘tricked’ into marriage). There were many a conversation which i started off with,

N—, ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!

yea, i went there. When the side chick has more sense than the one you want to ‘wife’ up, you are a freaking idiot. I’ve seen more side chicks having a guy’s back that the main chick. I’ve told several side chicks, “you know you really, REALLY can do better than him right?” and she did. I don’t know how many times, I’ve had to tell someone that the side chick REALLY wants you to stop calling her. But of course, the side chick is the side chick because she’s not the cute, she’s a bit overweight, doesn’t live in the right place, doesn’t have the right job or family, didn’t/doesn’t go to the right school, etc. But she gives a damn good head game, likes anal and knows when to keep her mouth shut and tolerates your dumb ass.

Yea, you can pick real winners, can’t you?

Guess what? That side chick that you really didn’t ‘like like that’ has been honest with you from day one. (we are talking about side-chick with sense, not the side chick who has main chick inspirations from day one but of course, you didn’t realize until AFTER SHE GOT PREGNANT-again, DUMB ASS)

What should be your takeaway from this:

1. Be VERY CLEAR about your expectations in writing (like prenup writing) if she balks, walk.

2. Have an attorney on retainer before you marry, cause if she decides to not put out on the honeymoon, she is going to ration sex for the rest of your marriage. get an annulment now, give back the gifts, and split the checks.

3. if kids are involved, talk to the attorney you retained on custody and child support issues. You can be a good father from Tibet, don’t let distance fool you.

4. Get clear with who/what is ‘wifey’ material. All that glitters isn’t gold.