“who I am and why I’m here”

So, I’m participating in the blogging 101 via WordPress and of course, I’m dragging all my readers along also.

     I’m blogging versus keeping a personal online journal because I want to shout in the wind. You know how sometimes when you are really, really upset and want to scream at the universe? well, blogging is my ‘screaming at the universe” (lol) I don’t think I’m screaming as much as I’m giving a different perspective on things. I don’t think too many perspectives are a bad thing, but I am definitely sure that we all sometimes need that “cool, someone else thinks the same way I do!”. Its so important for everyone to not feel so alone in the universe.

The topics I write about are sex, love and relationships and everything in between for my nieces and nephews. My perspective as a Gen X means I can relate to both parents and kids. As I don’t have kids, (which I’m cool with) I bring the ‘Auntie’ perspective. I am quite happy being an aunt (and great aunt) but I’m also not afraid to tell them they are screwing up royally or telling them how proud I am of them. I think its important for kids today (everyone under 40 for me lol) to understand that every single day is a new slate. You don’t have to repeat the mistakes and missteps of your parents (or even me); you don’t have to stay stuck in bad situations, relationship, friendships, jobs, or even locations. You can live your life, fully, and with purpose, without kicking someone in the teeth. really.

I would love to connect with those teenager, young adults (college age) and those over 21 who are like, I am f***ing up my life and I need help! or those men and women, young girls and boys who are like, what I don’t really have any role models for what a healthy, positive, loving and relationships look like (cause IG and Facebook aint it) I also want to connect with those who think that sex rules everything around them. It doesn’t, and if you really think it does, let me be clear, Looks fade, bodies turn flabby (even with age) and there will ALWAYS be someone younger and prettier than you waiting to take your place. believe that.

In the next year I hope to accomplish

     a) posting weekly (if not 2 or more times)

     b) guest writing on other blogs

    c) appearing on podcast

    d) and finishing up my eBook & companion seminar

So, sit back and enjoy the ride!

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Happy Valentine’s Day… just don’t blow it.

Dear Nephews,
It’s Valentine’s Day! The only day of the year (outside of Christmas) where everyone is trying to show their affection by buying love with chocolate and high-priced flowers and dinners. Okay, some of us.

Now to be a spoiled sport about the whole holiday (which I do enjoy for the most part) but like with most things, some people just do too damn much.

For those of you in a “just causally dating someone”, in a serious ‘relationship’, partnered up or married, this day can set the tone for the rest of this year, along with Christmas and your partner’s birthday so you really can’t afford to fuck this up.

However, someone will neglect to do or ‘say’ the right thing and things will get all stupid for a while. I can’t help you with saying or doing stupid things (for the most part) but I can give you some guidance for an overall picture of what you should have been doing before you get to this point.

For those who are in ‘dating’ mode

1. If you are ‘dating’ more than 1 person, (and of course they don’t know it) until you are ballin like that, you are not doing yourself any favors by treating them all the same. If they were all the same, you would just be dating ONE of them, SERIOUSLY. Each of them is giving you something specific, so you might do well to hone in on that. Have a monetary amount you will spend on each one and don’t go over it. If you have one you like more than the rest, she’ll get a higher amount, but not your damn paycheck. Don’t be stupid. I’m not going to let you borrow rent money or car note money because you trying to impress someone you ‘like’.

2. If you are ‘dating’ more than 1 person, you want to schedule out Valentine’s Day. If the day falls on a weekend, (like today) don’t give up your WHOLE weekend for some ‘romantic trip’ to impress the one you like the MOST. (Again, you have a budget) and don’t let her offer to take you away either. You will only cause problems in the long run when she figures out or realizes that she/he was 1 of 5 ‘friends’ you have. Give every person you are dating ‘except’ #1 a time limit of no more than 1 to 1 ½ hours of your time on Valentine’s Day. Give the one you like the most 2 -3 hours. Don’t create standards you won’t be able to keep up. There’s no reason for anyone to be up in anyone’s face all damn day, in love or not. Love doesn’t pay the bills. If you are seeing anyone who wants to know your whereabouts of every second of every day, DUMP THEM. They have issues and I don’t remember anyone one of you signing up for the fire department or rescue a chick service.

3. If you are dating someone exclusively, then an overnight trip is fine BUT remember it’s not about how much money you spend but the quality of time you spend with them. Don’t plan a trip to Paris when you can’t pay your bills. Don’t play a cruise when you’re looking at your car being repossessed. There are TONS of things you can do that are meaningful and special without spending up the national debt. If the person you are with complains about how much you are NOT spending, you might want to reconsider the character of the person you are dating.

Understand that you are under NO obligation to spend ONE red penny on Valentine’s Day for ANYONE. If you chose to celebrate, that’s wonderful. If not, don’t. It’s absolutely totally your choice, but whatever you do, DO NOT be so tacky as to send a text of flowers and candy to a woman. Whether you are “Just” friends or not. It’s RUDE as hell. What the hell is she going to do with that? Don’t even pretend with the

“It’s the thought that counts” Auntie???!!!

Well, here’s that thought” translated:

“I don’t think you are worth having red roses or candy sent to your house or job because YOU are not important enough for me to spend the $35 for a bunch of red roses and a $12.00 box of chocolates. But I will send you a TEXT PICTURE of these things in the hopes that you don’t think I’m that cheap and that I at least thought about you while I bought someone ELSE flowers, candy, a card and took HER out to dinner. But hey, when YOU get drunk, horny or lonely, I’m hoping I’m the first person you text.”

2 that right there is unfucking acceptable

So again, try NOT to be a douche this day. I will have to talk about you later. At the next family gathering, in front of everyone AND the girl you DIDN’T send the text picture of flowers to. Let’s see how that works out for you. Cause you know I will.

Gabby, Dwayne and a baby momma: how things can get really real when feelings and rings are involved

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I will admit that i like a happy celebrity couple. I do. As snarky as i can be about love, deep down, i think mutual affinity and ‘witty banter’ (as my friends and I call it) between two couples is a great and wonderful thing to behold. 

The problem I have always had with the ‘general public’ commenting on public relationship (myself included) is that we don’t know the ‘back story’. For example: When word broke of Dwayne Wade’s extremely ugly divorce, his ex wife put there business(his business) OUT THERE. was that really necessary with young kids. Absolutely not. I don’t care if he was sexing sheep, keep it to yourself and the sealed divorce documents. If he’s a celebrity and can’t work and pay you alimony/child support, all your revenge was for naught; he can’t work, you can’t live the life you’ve been accustomed to, everyone is calling you a sheep-fucker behind your back, etc.

Like a bad penny, his ex wife has popped up with all sorts of stunts (like this one)

this is why i believe in million dollar gag orders, but i digress. Whether or not they (Gabby and Dwayne) go together before they were ‘officially’ separated or ‘divorced’  (which took 6 years by the way- and his ex going thru numerous attorneys) No one thought to think about this, He’s a celebrity, She’s a celebrity. Celebrities have events. ALL THE TIME. Most celebrity women are PAID to ‘attend’ events, ALL THE TIME. I have no doubt that they ‘met’ and/or knew each other BEFORE he and his wife separated. Who among us hadn’t met someone while we were dating/with/married to someone else and eventually dated someone we knew when we dated our ex. If that was the case, about 1/2 of the couples should be sued by their exs for “intentional infliction of emotional distress”

 

but back to my point

 

Now, after being sued by her boyfriend’s ‘ex (and the case being dismissed); having 1/2 the general black public thinking you are a ‘home wrecker’ (because they want to believe she ‘took’ him from his wife based on…?); THEN having to watching on TV while your boyfriend says you guys are ‘taking a break’ might just make most women tell you to drop dead. fast.

Now i’m not saying Ms. Union is a saint. Far from it, i’m not sure they exist anyhow, but still, can you imagine what’s it like to find out you are broken up on a talk show? That’s not fun. no matter how you slice it. I’m sure she’s become very attached to his boys and loves them dearly and them her. I can’t imagine the conversation he had with them after that tv appearance. 

Now, we all are adults (if not in maturity, then age) so ‘break’ or not, 

 

USE PROTECTION!!!

 

Its not difficult, its not like its not available. Its not like there are not groupies looking to ‘snatch’ semen any chance they get. So, eventually Mr. Wade and Ms. Union reunite. Good for them. He popped the question. She accepted. 

HURRAY!!!

Then its reported that he fathered a child with a “woman he has known for many years” 

 

OUCH. that’s gotta hurt.

 

for BOTH women involved.

 

There is nothing more painful than having another chick tell you she’s having a baby with your man (been there, not cute at all) Did i stay. Yes, but No i didn’t get 8.4 carats either. He begged me like Keith Sweat. Over and Over. I received all sorts of presents, all sorts of gifts, all sorts of apologies. 

Honestly, I didn’t know what to do. I was beyond mad. I was beyond Hurt. I was beyond everything. He saw the pain in my face and i think the reality of his ‘actions’ really hit home for him. What you do really comes out into the light. The other chick. Oh, that’s so another LONG story. 

Short version. She went from going to have an abortion to not wanting me to be around her child because i would (in her words) “hurt her baby”.

 

I told her, No Sweetheart, after I kick his ass for disrespecting me, I”m going to kick yours for talking shit about me to my face. Your ass kicking will come when you drop that load. I have no reason to kick that gorilla looking soon to be child’s ass. (yea, i’m evil like that)

My ex spent months being hounded by a ‘baby’ that incubated for about 11 months. Every time he tried to talk to me about the situation, what was going on. I was like 

 

and no, he didn’t say a word about me calling his soon to be child a gorilla. I told him. Its YOUR SITUATION, YOU CREATED IT, YOU DEAL WITH IT. And be advised. I’m not babysitting while YOU go to the club. Your child, YOU WATCH IT.

When this ‘miracle’ baby never arrived, he was confused and realized he’s been played. His ‘indiscretion’ torpedoed our relationship. (his past indiscretions didn’t help any) 

Do i empathize with Ms. Union. Absolutely. been there, and while I didn’t have to ‘see’ evidence of my fiancee soon to be husband’s infidelity, She will. DAILY. She will have to deal with it DAILY. While we can all sit back and comment from afar.The evidence of her husband’s ‘break-baby’ will be right there. EVERY DAY. How would ANY WOMAN OR MAN deal with that?

Love isn’t enough.

 

I got a ring too. and a declaration of love and commitment. I also got tested for STD’s too. What did the other chick in my situation get? Not him. Even after we broke up, he didn’t have anything to do with her. (he was in totally confession mode and told me all sorts of stuff i didn’t want to hear after we broke up) Did girlfriend think she was going to get him after we broke up. Yep. Come to find out, she just knew that they would be ‘together’ raising ‘their’ child. Didn’t happen. 

Now if this ‘mystery woman’ knew him for ‘years’ and knew he was seeing Gabby (who in the world didn’t) and decided to ‘slide in’ where she fit in, thinking that she was going to secure a spot. She failed. I’m quite sure that she had feelings for him and once she thought they were ‘taken a break’ it was her opportunity to show how she was a ‘team’ player. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out for Ms. Mystery Woman. 

Yes, she’s going to have all her child’s needs taken care of. But what about her? Oh i’m sure she’s going to get the gated house in the nice neighborhood. But she’s not going to get what his other kids get. HIM. on a daily basis. From sunrise to sunset. His kids with his ex wife, his nephew and any kids with Gabby will be with him 24/7. Is she going to let her child be with them 24/7. Hell no. She wasn’t a surrogate. She was like many men do, she thought with her sex organs instead of her brain. How embarrassing it must be to have given birth/about to give birth and your child’s father proposed to someone else? Not a nice feeling, at all. And i refuse to think that she’s “okay’ with the situation. She’s not. 

Do i think Dwayne will spend the rest of his life trying to make this right with Gabby. Yep. He’s got the money to do so. he’s got the ability (financially and otherwise) to create elaborate gestures of love and devotion to her for the  REST OF GABRIELLE’S and HIS LIFE together. 

Side chicks everywhere should take not. he’s not going to put a ring on YOUR finger. No matter how many babies you pop out, no matter how ride or die you are. While you are sexing him like a porn star, You are NOT going to get the title and all the benefits that come with it. Even if Gabby and Dwayne fight all day long, its apparent, SHE gets the ring, not you. You get a baby, stretch marks and a paid for house. For 18 years. You will always be known as a ‘baby momma’, You will always be looked at suspect by other women (and your friends, don’t front) as suspect with anyone’s man. 

He told you what you wanted to hear. He inferred what you needed to hear to get what he wanted. Men do that (and women too) to get what they want. Any woman who thinks her sex organs have magical powers are deluding herself. A man will like you even care about you but his name, please He’s not wily-nilly about who gets it. You can be the best bottom bitch in the world, doesn’t mean your going to get the name. what you will get if you have a baby with a celebrity is people calling you a gold-digging, half-dressed, hoe. don’t take it personal. Whatever feelings you had for him. Well, i can’t tell you what do to with them, but i can say this. Therapy Helps. Alot. I would recommend it to Gabrielle and Dwayne (if they asked me, and not from T.D. Jakes either) 

God Bless Gabrielle if she stays and I won’t fault her for leaving (at any point in time). No one is perfect. I don’t think perfection is what most people are after in a relationship. Its loyalty and respect. I think Dwayne’s character has taken a hit on both. 

FINALLY!!!

Yea!! i did it!! I did 30 blogs in 30 days…i think i did anyhow. I would like to thank each and every person who read this blog, read the posting (for 30 days) and decided to follow this blog. Your support and encouragement means the world to me. It has been a wonderful time writing and reflecting. I was quite tame this month, (i think) because of the holiday season. I will return to my regular case of snarkiness in all matters of sex, love and relationship starting Dec 1, but for now, let’s just try to work on working off the turkey high.

Your time is limited

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Live your life for you. Life your life abundantly, hopefully, loving, honestly, faithfully, with awareness, strength, honor, commitment and love. Don’t be scared to open your heart, love unconditionally, be worthy, be strong, be fearless, be open, laugh, love, cherish those who mean something to you. life is too short.

 

R.I.P. Della Haynes

You attract what you expect

attract what u expect

want to stop dating people who cheat and lie to you.
look at where you are finding them at? at the first sign of lying, check them ONCE. catch them in a lie again. the problem is YOU not them. Stop overlooking the obvious. stop giving the person the ‘benefit’ of the doubt. stop making excuses for them. if they can’t tell you the serious things within the first 2 weeks, they won’t tell you until its ‘necessary’ and then its not out of ‘necessity’ as much as its out of being busted.

stop dating certain people because you think that’s all you can get.
that is like only eating chicken because the particular store you shop in doesn’t sell beef. what sense does that make? stop dating strippers because you think ‘decent’ women wouldn’t want you? Let’s be clear, housewives aren’t stripping. Women who go to church, are active in the community, are NOT stripping. The only thing you will find in a strip club is women who want you to make it ‘rain’ on them and some to pay the bills for the school they are not attending and the new apartment/house/car they want to buy. You would get a better return on your money if you threw it on the sidewalk or in the Salvation Army Kettle at Christmas time.

stop believing you are not enough. people who do not have your best interest at heart will play you for a fool. daily. every time.

be the good, honest, caring, compassionate person that you are. be the shining star in your own life. don’t worry about not having someone special to share it will right now. they are coming, you have to clear out the BS in your life to make room for them and all the other wonderful things that life has to offer you. until you do that, you will keep drama, chaos, confusion and heartache a daily occurance

Holding on to anger doesn’t help YOU

holding on to anger

Its really, really trying NOT to hate someone. Its really really, really hard NOT to hate the person who broke your heart, stole your money, years of your life, your dignity, your self-esteem. Someone you lost friendships over, long-term friendships over, for what you think now?

No, you can’t get any of those things back. You can’t get all the time you wasted with them back. But guess what. Its okay. No matter how bad you feel at this exact moment. It really won’t help plotting to get revenge. Why? because Karma really does work. It does not have a time limit or a expiration date. That person wasn’t the person for YOU. Are they the person for someone else? who knows, but WHO THE HELL CARES! Every moment, every second they are OUT of your life, is one moment YOU can find the happiness, joy and PEACE that comes with being YOU, authentically YOU.

Its NOT about them, not matter how many times they cheated on you, mistreated you, lied to you. Its about YOU letting go and allowing all the good things in your life that they were blocking to now come forward.

stop drinking the poison, RIGHT NOW!