It’s a new year. Actually it’s the 2nd day of the New Year and I’m going to start things off with a recap of a couple of things I saw reiterated last year by some of you.
Many of you are ‘seeking’ and ‘searching’ for a FWB. You post on all sorts of websites (adult and not) hint in various conversations with women you meet and with your friends, (men and women) the following:
“I don’t have time for a relationship because”:
I just got out of a crazy/long/painful relationship
I just got separated
I am just newly divorced
I just moved to this area
I work too much/I work two jobs
I am a single parent (or should you say never married parent) and have full/shared custody of my kid(s)
I’m just such a “catch” (as deemed by you and those around you) that I just can’t be with one woman right now.
I’m in the military and don’t know how long I’ll be in this area (yes you do. Your paperwork will tell you how long. Whether you will be here training for a week or two (or 6 weeks-6 month), until you are shipped overseas somewhere, or whatever the military TELLS where you have to be, this is your temporary duty station for the next 1-3 years. SO, YOU DO KNOW. (Don’t play that line)
I’m a government contractor waiting until my next overseas assignment paperwork finishes.
I’m thinking about moving here so I’m staying with family/friends until I find a job/figure out something
I come to the area a lot on work/family/friends but I’m not interested in finding a ‘long distance relationship in this area’
These while are not EVERY scenarios, these are the most common ones my friends and I have heard this past year. The only one we ‘kinda’ thought was a legitimate ‘excuse’ was the separated/divorced one. Depending on how long you were married, you should NOT jump into a relationship. No one wants to be the rebound person. Anything they do will seem like heaven compared how tortured you were in your last bad relationship. Any amount of affection, any sex act or performance that was not what you experienced in your previous relationship(s) will turn you into a big fat freaky, emotionally raw sucker. By the time your emotions, spirit and mind get level, you will either a) be engaged or remarried within 2 years of your divorce or b) you will have another child with someone you barely (and I do mean barely) know. This will inevitably lead to another round on THAT merry-go-round.
Now before you say this is going to be another male bashing piece of writing. Let me say, I bash women just as equally. I believe in equal opportunity bashing. Don’t worry; women are going to get their fair share this year. (The post are already lined up)
Let me say that I love men. Absolutely ADORE them. I was a tomboy growing up. In another life, I was the gayest, gay man in all of Paris during the glorious 20’s and 30’s. Josephine Baker and Gertrude Stein were some of my closest friends, I hit on Earnest Hemingway all the time and he loved it when I complimented him on his writings. So I’m so not a card-carrying, women loving feminist. I think men are absolutely great and wish I lived with one so he could do my heavy lifting (I hurt my back a few years go)
With that being said, I’m really, REALLY, going to need ya’ll to get your acts together in 2014? Don’t worry; again, the women are going to get their talking to. (guys were first on the list, alphabetically.)
It’s a new year. With it means you need to step your GAME up (and really, it’s all a game). I’m going to need you to be HONEST about your bullshit. If you haven’t realized already, Women (and Sisters and Latina and all women of color) are getting their shit together. And for most of them, it’s not including a man. Nope. We are pretty tired of the lies and bullshit. We are tired of you blowing our phones up with texts asking for naked pics of our various body parts for your personal amusement (and to show your boys, cause you know you do. You just lie to us and say you haven’t shared them). We are pretty annoyed when you ask us to ‘hang out’ or ‘meet up’ or ‘get together’ which is nothing more than your sad attempt a ‘mental foreplay’. It would be something if you were actually taking us SOMEWHERE other than your house, your boy’s apartment, or your favorite hotel, when you are not inviting yourself to our place for sex.
And btw, could you at LEAST you could pretend your mother/grandmother gave you SOME home training and bring a bottle of GOOD WINE, NOT that cheap $5.99 bottle from the local liquor store! I mean seriously. Why in the hell should any woman think about putting out when you are that damn cheap. I mean, you didn’t even take me out, yet you want to sit in my house with the cheap ass bottle of wine and want me to fuck you like Sasha Grey or Vanessa Del Rio or Heather Hunter? Get a grip.
I know what you are probably thinking: what nerve does she have telling me anything! Who is this chick! Hell, don’t hate the player hate the game.
Um yea, okay. You are right, you don’t know me. I but I do know you. I am the lawyer you make an appointment with (that you can’t afford) to help YOU get a REDUCTION IN CHILD SUPPORT from some chick YOU considered a booty call and wasn’t bright enough to use protection.
I am the court employee you want to get angry with when I tell you that yes, that’s the right amount of child support taken out for a child of that age in this state.
I am the counselor at the county public health department who knocking on your mother’s door trying to track you down because a woman has listed YOU as one of the men she slept with in the last 6 months because her test results came up positive.
I am your sister/cousin/aunt/great aunt/mother who sits and just shakes my head while you whine and complain about how it’s HER fault SHE’s pregnant/had a baby. You want to bitch and moan and complain because you have a GIRLFRIEND or a significant other who I’m looking at sideways on why she’s still with you because you have the nerve to think as long as she didn’t find out, you were just ‘doing what men do”.
I am the sister/cousin/aunt/great aunt/mother of the woman you are ‘allegedly’ dating. You have been at my house, ate my food, laughed at my man’s jokes, drank liquor with MY MAN all the while you were having unprotected sex with some other woman (or more than one) and having sex with my relative. Now I’m watching her cry her eyes out because you broke her heart and she’s feeling like a total fool for even knowing you. Of course, you’re telling her how ‘sorry’ you are and don‘t want her to leave you and you can ‘work’ through this. Dude, get real. If she cheated on you, gave you a STD or got pregnant by someone OTHER THAN YOU, there would be no conversation. Your boys would be over within the hour helping you move. You would have told her to get out of your life and kiss your left ass cheek.
Now tell me if I’m lying.
NO matter how hard she cried, how much she pleaded and begged. You wouldn’t take her back. Who are you fooling?
Yet, if the shoe was reversed. You would beg her forgiveness, promise to spend the rest of your life making it up to her and promptly tell her you want to marry her. You would make all these grand gestures until YOU got tired of making them. Then you would tell her to either ‘forgive you and forget it happened” or you would say something like “you still mad about that”
Yea, such compassion on your part a situation YOU CREATED.
Game recognizes game.
The problem is when the other player has been lead to believe that there are rules when there are none; the ‘rules’ of the game changed when she went to the bathroom or that the game she’s participating in is of YOUR own creation and you FORGOT to share the rules with the other participants OR my personal favorite. You are making up rules (that benefit YOU) as you go along.
And you are pissed that your monthly child support payments are the same amount as a mortgage on a $500,000 dollar home.
You know, there is a very simple solution to your ‘problem’
I know you don’t want to hear it. But I’m going to tell you anyway.
The secret solution is….
Check this out…
Yep, that’s the secret.
Honesty will keep your tires from being slashed, your head lights from being busted, from you being ‘stalked’ (according to you), keep from having embarrassing confrontations at your job, your house, your mother’s house. You won’t have your car key’d. You won’t have a candy bar in your gas tank. You won’t have some woman’s gangbanging family members doing drive-by antics on your house. You won’t have some guy knocking on your door and beating you up because you knocked up his sister and basically called her a 2-bit whore who was screwing the neighborhood and that bastard isn’t yours.
(until the test comes back 99.99% yours)
When you are HONEST up front, Not selectively “HONEST” but really honest, you will be amazed at what you can get. I know right? Who knew? What gets your tires slashed isn’t the fact that you LIED, but the fact that you took away a woman’s right to make a CHOICE. Let me CHOOSE whether or not I want to screw around with a guy who is living with someone, a guy who is screwing God knows how many chicks (probably unprotected) or a guy who is married and considers his vows suggestions. When you start off saying :
“I and my girl broke up”
When you actually didn’t, she’s just not speaking to you because you did something stupid. Or
My wife and I separated.
When in fact, you just spent the night at your brother’s house because he went out of town for work.
It takes THOUGHT to get naked. Don’t get it twisted. It takes thought and consideration to get naked whether you are at your house, someone else’s house or at a hotel, or someone’s hotel room. You made a decision to open your zipper, take off your coat, take off your shoes.
Pussy is not lying on the sideway and when you walk within 1 foot, it reaches up, unzips your zipper, pulls your penis downward and makes you fall into it. It doesn’t happen like that.
Do you even know what the term FWB or “Friends with Benefits” means?
Let’s start with the first word: FRIENDS
It’s not FUCK with benefits, which you REALLY MEAN instead. But you said FRIENDS. But let’s be honest. You don’t want to be FRIENDS with her. You want her to come over to your house or you go over to her house or meet you at the hotel (and split the bill-or use a hook-up) and afterwards LEAVE when the act is over.
You aren’t trying to know about her crazy girlfriend at work. You don’t want to be called when her car breaks down and she needs a ride home.
You aren’t her man REMEMBER!
So, you therefore have ABSOLUTELY NO responsibility to do a damn thing for her right? Unless it’s out of the kindness of your heart or you want her to do anal at some point.
What you want to do is establish a regular ‘fuck’ schedule.
That’s all, nothing else. Okay, if you consider yourself a decent guy, you’ll take her to Fridays or Applebee’s first. But then off to the bed you go.
That is fine. There is nothing wrong with that. But you aren’t being honest. You don’t want to be her friend. You don’t. You want to have sex with her. If the sex is okay or even has the potential to be better, then you want to have sex with her again. But friendship, um negative.
Can you really say that to a woman and not get slapped?
Yes you can. Will all women agree to such an arrangement?
Some will, some won’t, some do, some don’t, but someone might.
You just have to find one who will. Therein lies the problem. You don’t want to ask, you don’t want to search, your screening methods suck. You asked one woman, she said no. Your feelings now hurt, you decide to get yours without any regard to the women you are sleeping with.
You are a grown ass man right.
Wrong. Being over 18 doesn’t make you grown; any more than nominating yourself for a leadership position makes you a leader.
Your ACTIONS make you grown.
Your RESPONSES to the consequences to your ACTIONS make people respect you, or not.
Dwayne Wade and Ludacris have both recently publicly indicated that they fathered children outside of their long-term relationships. There are people who have lost respect for them. Their girlfriends/ significant others are standing by their men. Good for them. They have to live with the consequences of their partners actions. Is it fair to these women? Hell no. Is life fair? Absolutely Not? Personally, I’m going to need something more than this lame ass “we were on a break” excuse for fucking someone without protection (and I’m willing to bet money it was unprotected sex).
If either one of the girlfriends/fiancée was your sister/cousin/aunt/mother, what would you do? Let’s be real. Dwayne would have a hard ass time bouncing a ball after the ass-kicking and cussing out you gave him. If your sister was Ludacris’s girlfriend? Please, you would tell your sister that you would help her pack. If these women were your daughters? You would have a very grown man conversation with both of them, and it would not be pleasant a pleasant experience for either man.
If your sister/cousin/aunt was the side-chick/groupie, you would be rather pissed off that your family member was called a gold digger/side chick or groupie and that outside of child support and visitation, your family member’s name was dragged through the mud. The internet would have a good time talking about how she played herself. Guess what, Gabrielle and Eudoxie will have big, huge, splashy million dollar weddings. They are going to have goose eggs sitting on their ring fingers. These women will have their hearts desires every day from men who love them, cherish them, and appreciate them for ‘having their back’.
And guess what. Your relative will be watching TV or surfing the internet or going out with friends and having to deal with the fact that she is considered nothing more than a ‘baby momma’ and that no matter how she was told one thing (that turned out to be a lie) and now has to deal with the consequences of it, VERY publically. Maybe she did know that these guys were involved but he lead her to believe that things were not ‘good’ or even ‘great’ and thought that she had a ‘chance’ with him. Maybe she knew and didn’t give a damn. Perhaps she agreed that they were just going to be FWB and next thing she knows, she’s pregnant and now he is getting married.
Whatever the reason(s), I’m sure this other chick is very hurt and not happy. No woman wants to have a child without the father being right there in the home. So what if he can afford a baby nanny for his child. He won’t be in the HOUSE in HER BED when THEIR baby is crying. She won’t be able to roll over and say “Go get your daughter/son”. He’s not going to sit under her roof and rock their child to sleep, put the baby back to bed and snuggle up against her to sleep. He’s going to do that with his wife. He’s going to do that with his girl. He is not going to do it to the mother of his child.
That hurts. No matter how you slice it.
You want a relationship. You want a sexual freak. You want a woman to be your friend. Have your back. You want a woman to fuck you like a porn star when it’s convenient for you. You want to fuck other women, when the mood strikes you. You want to do what you want sexually, when the mood strikes you. You want the woman you have your eye on to keep her legs closed until YOU are ready to man up and step up and have an honest and true relationship with her. And you want her to have NO KIDS because you don’t want to deal with any baby daddy issues.
What you say you want but it isn’t what you really want.