So, you put a ring on it and she’s not fucking you like a porn star anymore…

Over the years, in my conversation with married and divorced men, a variation of the same conversation has worked it way out. Before the ring, wifey made Vanessa Del Rio look like an terrified 18 yr old virgin on her wedding night. Janet’s “Anytime, Any place” wasn’t just a theme, it was a daily occurrence. I’m talking sex in public was a no-brainer. Sex at family reunion picnic? Do you have to ask? at 5am? Really honey, did you have to ask? walk in the door and i’m bent over the couch type of situations.Once talk of ‘marriage’ comes up, either the sex goes into over drive or it turns to ‘let’s wait until our wedding night’. The man goes along with it,(of course) because he thinks the sky’s the limit ON that first night as man and wife. Then a strange thing happens. That night, your wedding night:she’s ‘too tired’ from the days activities.

She’s not interested in doing ‘that’ tonight.

Now that she’s your ‘wife’, she doesn’t have to put her mouth on ‘that thing’ anymore.

Yes, she said the only dick she would suck would be her ‘husband’s’ but now that you guys are married, she still ‘wont’ suck it because… well, she doesn’t want to and you can’t make her.

BTW, she really doesn’t like you going down on her. She’s just not that into it.

Come to think of it, she wasn’t that good in bed to begin with, you think to yourself. She’s a “good woman” whatever that means, looks good on your arm, you would make cute babies with her, has drive and ambition, but sexually, she’s not hitting YOUR spot. You guys are out of sync sexually but you attribute it to her school schedule, her views on sex, anything, everything.

But what about her porn star behavior before you got married? Well, I don’t know what your talking about, she says.

HUH???!!!

Did you forget you used to pick me up from work with no bra and panties on? You don’t remember us going to the movies, sitting in the back row and you sitting on my lap f–king me for the entire movie?

That was then, we married now.

In the islands, on your honeymoon, Your Wifey is ‘tired’ and just wants to lay on the beach, in the cabana, in the room. Snorkeling with her husband, She passes. Wave riding. My hair will get wet. Sex? My hair will sweat out. Dinner. She’s dressed like a fashion model. walking around talking, socializing. Curling and fawning you in public. You think, wow, okay, she’s ready to give me some. When you get back to the hotel, she goes in the bathroom for hours, comes out in granny panties and an old woman gown and gets in bed with curlers in her hair.

HUH???

Oh, I’m really not in the mood.

There you are, naked with a dick harder than Rush Limbaugh’s convictions, and your only choice is playtime in the shower. alone.

I’ve heard this record, fast, slow, up tempo, soft tempo, hard rock version, soft rock version, heavy metal version, operatic version, R & B version, Hip-Hop version. It wouldn’t be true if i didn’t hear it from all types of men, black, white, rich, poor, old, young, married once, married more than once. Some had kids before marriage, some had no kids, (but she did or he did, not by the other person)

When i first realized this was the same story, except a different guy’s version of it, i thought to myself, did they all get the same email? Is every man this damn stupid?

I sit back and nod, ask for clarification here and there and just listen. and try not to say, “really, you didn’t see THAT coming”. But for me, what is a testament to his feelings for her is how long he stayed. Several men were on their way out the married until she pulled the infamous “can we talk” conversation with nothing but a short robe on and nothing underneath. 9 months later….

what man with any morals would leave his child then? who wants to be called ‘triflin’? who wants HIS mother to tell him to ‘work it out for the sake of your child”. Marriage is hard, son, he hears his father say between drinks at the family home. which is exactly why the lawyer’s phone calls don’t get returned.

Before the time the child’s in kindergarten,they have been sleeping in separate areas of the house, her kid(s)from prior relationship are calling YOU DAD/DADDY/POP and you emotionally think sleeping in the basement is the best solution.

Here is what i want to say to Men in these types of situations:

1. Get your gonads out of her purse and place them where she snatched them from

2. Realize that she had an agenda, it was a ring. A wedding ring. She wanted one and played you to get her ‘legitimacy’ in her societal circle.

3. YOU thought with the wrong head and it cost you YEARS of your life to extract yourself from a very, very screwed up situation.

4. Someone who claims to love you won’t trick you, play you, get pregnant ‘accidentally on purpose’.

5. Someone who loves you won’t give you a marry me or else ultimatum

6. Someone who loves you won’t enlist your family, your friends, her family, her friends to ‘drop hints’ that she’s the best thing to every happen to you and if you don’t marry her, you are a fool.

7. Dumbass, no real woman will use her kids by you or anyone else to beg you to ‘marry my mommie’

8. No real woman will tell you that ‘after’ you guys get married, she’ll enroll in school, go back to school, get on birth control, lose weight, look for a better job, get a job or any other similar asinine promise. if she won’t do it FOR HERSELF, BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED, the odds of her doing it AFTER you are married are slim to none and slim left the building.

9. True story: if you tell your bride to be that your wedding present will be to bring her into the marriage with ZERO debt (because you have ZERO DEBT). You ask her for all her bills AND PAY THEM OFF before the wedding and 3 months later, a creditor called about collecting for a lawsuit (car accident) she had BEFORE you got married for $12,000, that her and her family “forgot” to tell you about and you DO NOT GET AN ANNULMENT, you are a freaking moron.

10. If she goes from Porn Star Patty to Nancy Nun within 3 months of your wedding or begins to ration out sex like the government furlough, you might want to consider you married the wrong woman.

Maybe these guys were lying to me. Maybe they were exaggerating (alot) but to hear a variation of the same story is just nerve wracking.

My friends laugh because they say i ask to many questions. Hell, i wanna know. did you beat/hit your last 5 girlfriends? why did you get married? why did you get divorced? do you sleep with men? (you will be surprised how many men will admit to that when they feel comfortable with you)

By the age of 25, most people have had their hearts broken (badly) but for me, its what you do afterwards, to work through the heartache and pain and learn from it is what matters.

I’ve been played in relationship (more often that i care to admit) but:

1. I’ve never been married

2. there are no kids involved on MY end

while i joke about my commitment-phobia issues (i’m working on them!!!)

Marrying someone is one of the few things I take totally serious. I have had about 22 marriage proposal. I only said yes formally once, the other time was an ‘off-handed’ proposal just to see if what i would say in advance. To marry someone is to commit your everything to that person, in front of everyone, forever. Forever is a LONG, LONG, LONG, LONG, LONG TIME. and i can’t have sex with someone else either? damn.

There have been instances where my brothers and other close male friends were ‘played’ by the women they were dating (including what i called being ‘tricked’ into marriage). There were many a conversation which i started off with,

N—, ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!

yea, i went there. When the side chick has more sense than the one you want to ‘wife’ up, you are a freaking idiot. I’ve seen more side chicks having a guy’s back that the main chick. I’ve told several side chicks, “you know you really, REALLY can do better than him right?” and she did. I don’t know how many times, I’ve had to tell someone that the side chick REALLY wants you to stop calling her. But of course, the side chick is the side chick because she’s not the cute, she’s a bit overweight, doesn’t live in the right place, doesn’t have the right job or family, didn’t/doesn’t go to the right school, etc. But she gives a damn good head game, likes anal and knows when to keep her mouth shut and tolerates your dumb ass.

Yea, you can pick real winners, can’t you?

Guess what? That side chick that you really didn’t ‘like like that’ has been honest with you from day one. (we are talking about side-chick with sense, not the side chick who has main chick inspirations from day one but of course, you didn’t realize until AFTER SHE GOT PREGNANT-again, DUMB ASS)

What should be your takeaway from this:

1. Be VERY CLEAR about your expectations in writing (like prenup writing) if she balks, walk.

2. Have an attorney on retainer before you marry, cause if she decides to not put out on the honeymoon, she is going to ration sex for the rest of your marriage. get an annulment now, give back the gifts, and split the checks.

3. if kids are involved, talk to the attorney you retained on custody and child support issues. You can be a good father from Tibet, don’t let distance fool you.

4. Get clear with who/what is ‘wifey’ material. All that glitters isn’t gold.

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